a place in and out inside my head

via: flickr.com

i'm just past the age of 23..and still don't know how long this mind can still alive while this machine is getting old with lots of broken parts that don't know how to fixed it.

still confused where's the best path to go through

and still can't make my family proud with me..

all my dreams seems so blurred and i even can't recognized it anymore..

i feel so awry. when all the things that i have done became wrong in your eyes.

maybe you still didn't know me much more, and it's my fault that i make this gap with you long time ago.

i rarely make some good chat with you..

i always run away when you try to come close and hug me..

i wasted my time in street better in your side..

but i swear i don't know what must i do..although i must go back to the past. it seems so foolish..

please, forgive me..

in this age..and after it..i'll do my best for you..

i try not to make you sad anymore..

i'll let you proud having such a boy like me..even for now, its still far away from hope..

but i'll try..

goodbye 22 with all the good, sad, pain, joy, laugh, tears, brokenhearted, all all the messed up that i've got..

my FIXIE on my own perception

"Don't be afraid to ask lots of questions. If anyone makes you feel dumb for trying to learn more about your bike, that person is a jerk. Also ride whatever bike you feel best on. If anyone makes you feel bad about the kind of bike you ride, that person is also jerk. You want a bike that you're going to be excited to get onto every day, and it really doesn't matter what kind of bike that is. Its different for different people. For me, I thought it would be a badass road bike, but its actually an old steel behemoth with a ladies frame. If you have a bike that you really don't feel comfortable on, don't blame yourself, blame the bike. Try something else. when you love your bike and you feel comfortable on it, you're going to want to ride."

—Molly Kleinman of Common Cycle, responding to the question “What advice would you give to those new to cycling, especially women?” on LGRAB

*taken from: the-bicyclette.tumblr.com, 6th august 2010

do you know that i just have a new bike? officially it was started around early on july and it fully made on august 1st, 2010. i made a fixed gear bike or maybe people like to say it with fixie, nice name right :) it took so long to build my bike, it almost a month to make it real. on it way to be a full bike, there are a lot of problems that i get, start from the material that very hard to get, the price that can be so ridiculous for me, or maybe from the finishing that so messy. but all that story was make me more proud with my bike. why? because i made it with lots of story behind of it, there's a happier side, bad side, and maybe a disappointed side --" *sigh for a while..

everyone have their taste on what they like or dislike. And it just related too with how good your fixie was. Some people said that it was a good bike and the other said it like a rubbish behind of it. I really appreciate with people that can appreciate what other people have, better than some people that always judge and always complaining. And what i want to said is, whatever people have and done with their bike or maybe something else, it will doesn't matter for us to always give them respect for all what they have. make other people happy is a best way to make us happy too :) Never make other people sad with all the things that we said. For some people that think that they are a professional, please think back again that you also have start from zero to just like me and other people do. We all have being a newbie. Start and learn from zero to be a hero someday. So never under estimate what other people have..

if it just about style that you have in your eyes, then fuck you!!

Don't Even Believe With Your Mind

Do you feel ever broken hearted or being dumped?

your life feel so empty then you can't run away..

even the best place can be your damn place ever.

yes..this movie a little bit tell us about those kind of story..

a guy who suddenly being broke by his girl friend without any reason that can accepted by the man..its must be hurt to be the guy to face this problems, how can't the women that he really love became a monster that eat him alive!! the guy's name is Peter Bretter and his girlfriend is Sarah Marshall.

okay, enough for the outline the story continues with the man journey that trying to forget his ex girlfriend's Sarah. just like the others guys that when he got some problems than he will run away to his bestfriend (dan disitulah sesungguhnya tempat kembalinya segala perkara pastilah ke teman..dan itulah guna teman ketika kita sedang mengalami kesusahan dan saatnya senang thats the time to forget them :P haha..) every thing has been done. Even doing a lot of sexual activity, but when it doesn't based with love then it become useless.. more he try to forget Sarah, ore painful that he feel.

Once time his friend suggest him to go to Hawaii, at least to forget all the problems that he got, considering that he never got any vacation for along term. Finally he agreed with that idea then he go to Hawaii. But problems seems don't want to go from him fast, again all the purpose that he made to forgetting Sarah by going to Hawaii was miserable. he meet again with his Ex, Sarah. And the bad thing is that she was not lonely in that place because she brings her new boyfriend("what!! gila ini cewek" pikiran saya waktu itu..baru aj mutusin tiba2 sekarang udah punya gebetan baru.is that what we called good girl?) You know how sad Peter was..he cry all day and all night long..feeling desperate..the only vacation that he hope can bring him some brighter side in his life became a new disaster.

Tapi yg namanya musibah itu g bakalan datang terus..just like what Ra. Kartini said " after the darkness then will rise the brighter side". dan itulah yang akan dialami Peter selanjutnya.. when he got all the problems, lucky to him that there's a girl that always help him. She was the receptionist from the hotel where Peter's stayed, her name was Rachel Jansen. Until someday Peter think to make some relationship with that girl.Then he just try all the things to make the girl impressed with him when they have their first date, but poor for peter that it was ended with sad when he don't get Rachel kissed :P

The journey begin..Rachel seems start to enjoyed her time when she walk with Peter and thats the same like what Peter feel. Maybe because of their same background about loving someone, both of them had to feel broken hearted by their partner. Then, Sarah that know Peter was have a special relationship with Rachel look jealous with them, because of her boyfriend lack that never make her happy in psychological side. Then she try to react by show off his love with his boyfriend just to make Peter hurt again. But Peter just had his love and feel more comfortable with his situation right now, so Peter and Rachel was ignore what Sarah try to did with them..

In the end, Peter and Rachel meet in Peter's puppet show..and they decided to take their relationship into the next level..yeagh, after all the things that happen with them i think it was the best option for them to take that chance..

kadang, ketika kita menyukai seseorang maka imaginasi kita akan terbang jauh ke atas..sesuatu yang kecil akan dirasa besar dan sesuatu yg biasa akan menjadi luar biasa spesialnya bahkan taik kucing pun akan berasa coklat. itulah ajaibnya cinta. Namun ketika patah hati menyapa semua serasa terjungkal..ide-ide dan pemahaman tentang itu semua menjadi berbanding terbalik. Tak ada yang menyenangkan bahkan sedikit senyum pun akan berasa mahal harganya..

Tapi pernahkan merasakan ketika kita sudah merasa tersakiti oleh seseorang yang benar-benar kita sukai tapi justru orang tersebutlah yang sering muncul disekitar kehidupan kita. Entah bagaimana caranya semesta merancangnya tapi orang tersebut berasa tak bisa lepas dari kehidupan kita. Tentunya kita berpikir, Is he/she was the really one for me? yup, The One, someone that very special for us, that God have me for us to share all the happyness and even the sadness. Dan celakanya ilmu itulah yang saya anut..dan semenjak film ini muncul membuat semua ilmu di pikiran saya terbantahkan!! Bahwa tidak semua yang ditunjukkan semesta dan dirancang olehNya itu tidak selalu merujuk pada THe One yang selalu dicari-cari. Justru The One harusnya dicari even in some case The One will came after suddenly..tapi inilah yang dinamakan rahasia semesta..

Last, Don't even try to believe with your mind..prefer to believe your heart that will be more trusted better than anyone..

images source : http://slog.thestranger.com/2008/10/remembering_sarah_marshall

Against My Curiosity

via: deviantart

Tuhan telah memberi banyak karuniaNYa kepada tiap manusia, dan juga halnya rasa ingin tahu yang termasuk didalamnya..sesuatu yang wajar ketika manusia memiliki perasaan tersebut, bayangkan bila tidak ada rasa ingin tahu,,mungkin tidak akan adanya berbagai penemuan-penemuan penting yang dihasilkan manusia sampai detik ini..

tapi di satu sisi, rasa ingin tahu juga memiliki sisi negatif didalamnya(at least that what i feel now --") when my curiosity just trap me on a black hole that make me going nowhere with all the weird feeling..come on, make me wake up on my dreams!!Slap me.. *plak.. okay, thats too hurt :(

you know what i did? i just pull back my old memory in one of my doors machine that i just put haram on it so no one will open it..

Okay, i'm just a human like you all that have curiosity that planted on everyone's body. Again i looked at her with all the mess that she does.. i open it secretly outside but hardly inside..just doing couch and fast to avoid people to know what i'm doing..

err...need to pump my mood hardly before it going sink now,,

take a deep breath..hosh..hosh..hosh...

*run away from her door that i forget to closed...

images by: AndreyBobir "Door of Consciousness"

http://andreybobir.deviantart.com/art/Door-of-consciousness-157842040?q=boost:popular+door&qo=0

dear my IDOL

i want to ask you one question, who's your idol?

idol means that someone that you really like in almost of him/her do, whatever it is..you will accept it no matter what if he/she will become bad person someday but you will still behind of them and support them even must give your life (in some case that i called it an extreme fans maybe it happen)

then, how about you??

i have a lot of idol that have change my life and it depends on what kind of segment that they played..but there's one idol that maybe a lil bit rare. she's one of my idol that i loved because of her charming :D maybe you can called it love at the first sigh..haha..old quote but still happen until now :P

let me introduce you to her, she is mihiro taniguchi. she born on May 19, 1982 and her job was a Japanese model, singer, TV personality and award-winning adult video (AV) actress..hehe..yes she was an porn star..

but i don't saw her from that side, i saw her from humanity side.. :P (a lil bit fake,hahaha..)

i cant lie that she was so cute..for me, i prefer with a cute person better than the beautiful ones. because you can find a lot of beautiful person but it's hard to find the cutest ones :D

if time can rolling back then i can choose what act and partner that i can be. Maybe i'll choose her to be my partner in crime,hehe..how beautiful world can be for me with our crime that we'll make together.. :D again, if time can rolling back, maybe i'll ask her to not playing porn.. it unusefull for her..she just a victim of a dirty business that some people make just for their fun, damn you people that make her be like this!!

oh dear, hope you'll be fine there..if i can, i'll save you just like a prince that ride a big horse and take you away from those bad guy that arrest you.. or just like rangga and desi in Romeo & Juliet. He take desi away from her arrogant brother, just because they have different idealism even in the end he must die just because of what he did..

Mihiro, please stop playing porn, because you're not the queen of porn..

memBUSUK

busuk itu jelek

dan segala sesuatu yang busuk itu perlambangan dari sesuatu yang tidak enak, jadi segala macam kebusukan itu pasti bau adanya. Sama seperti apa yang kalian lakukan..

berpura-pura baik namun tidak dibelakangnya..

layaknya rembulan yang datang dengan sinarnya yang terang benderang seolah dia mampu mengeluarkan cahaya lembutnya itu dengan kemampuannya sendiri, namun akan hilang seketika tak berbekas ketika tertutup awan hitam..

layaknya sebuah kopi susu..minumlah perlahan maka kau akan meraasakan nikmatnya manis dari sang susu yang bercampur dengan racikan kopi lembut lalu bersiaplah menelan ampas dari itu semua..

saya sudah tau semua kebusukan kalian, begitu juga sebaliknya. kalian tahu segala kebusukan saya..atau lebih tepatnya"merasa"lebih tahu..

yaa..indera perasa kalian memang benar-benar bagus ketika digunakan untuk"merasa"sesuatu yang buruk dari saya dan mengumbarnya bersama-sama...

kalian gunakan itu sebagai menu utama dari tiap perjamuan kalian dengan seloroh tawa sebagai pencuci mulut..

dan untuk kalian tahu saya akan melakukan hal yang sama untuk setiap apa yang kalian telan!!

tidak ada asap kalau tidak ada api..

sebaik apapun suatu kebusukan pastilah akan tercium juga bau busuknya,,

untuk kalian yang berbahagia dengan tawanya..

selamat menikmati tiap bahasa pada perjamuan kalian..

jangan lupa habiskan tiap sisa dari semua kebusukan yang ada..

buang jauh-jauh perasaan pertemanan kita..

karena di waktu itu yang kita butuhkan hanya kebencian untuk saling merendahkan..

ya..menjadi busuk itu memang tidak bagus..tapi nyatanya tiap orang masih menyukainya..

maka, jadilah BUSUK...!!!

the pursuit of happyness

di post sebelumnya mungkin sudah pernah saya singgung mengenai bagaimana menghadapi segala sesuatu yg terjadi pada diri saya sendiri..

yap, itulah persepsi...sesuatu hal yang sangat esensial yg kita ciptakan melalui pemikiran-pemikiran yang kadang sangat tidak logis atau bahkan out of the box..persepsi inilah yg menuntun kita bagaimana nantinya kita dalam melihat dan merespon diri kita sendiri terhadap apa yang sedang terjadi baik itu diri kita sendiri ataupun lingkungan sekitar.

saya mungkin termasuk orang yang terlalu banyak menganalisa segala sesuatu dan itu harus dilihat dari berbagai macam sudut..terlalu banyak pemikiran dan persepsi membuat saya sendiri tidak pernah percaya akan keputusan saya sendiri..dan celakanya keputusan yang saya ambil akan lebih banyak terpengaruh oleh orang lain..yes, this is the point of my problems..

terlalu banyak bersandar pada orang itu layaknya orang idiot tanpa arah..

it really sucks being like that, and this is for real happen with me..

okay, what will i do..?

C H A N G E..

yes, but its hard to do that, at least until now..

when there's no one know me for sure..

i dont blame anyone. this is pure my choice and i want to change it..

this is my life..and i will do what i want for my own happyness that i can't have it from all of you..

and i will never regret for all the thing that i choose..!!

DAMN YOU!!

is it real you?

who are you?

i even don't recognize you anymore

its very different with you that i know before you broke me up!

heiy you..

why you are so selfish?

when i just want to share my little problem with you,

you just run away..

again, you ignore me..!!

its very harsh you know..

you always make me some joke..

a bad joke for me, but its okay i can accept it

but can you talk serious with me for a second please?

can't you?

DAMN YOU...!!

its more than EGO its about choice

in life there's always an option for everything that we'll take

thats what i know until now

no matter our choice, at the end everything has it own ending

it'll be sad or happy its back to our perception about it

and that what i face for these few days..

did your money can buy my time?

did my happiness can gone by your hand

and should i kill my ego for you?

oh my God, there's still more question i have..

this problems just around my head..

too much question and answer that i get

but thats not enough to solve it

it's about my future and back again

my life my choice!!

if every problems have theirs own answer on every books maybe this will not happen to me..

oh GOD, help me to pick my right choice about my future because i know that YOU are my savior

help GOD..

a little gift from heaven

i don't have enough word to describe it

everything was on their on way

it came suddenly

do you know what i get more than i expected?

it's not about the thing, the time, or even the words

but more than it..

it's about you..

when i can meet you, that's the time where i can share my time together with you

even just for a while

i know i'm a little bit nervous when i must meet you

and i think you feel so awkward with me

buts its fine as long as i can see your face from my eyes

and when it happen, the time was stopped,

and just one thing that full fill my heart,

that's you're a gift from heaven that give to me

and how lucky i'm IF i have you

If I Know Your Big Scenario About ME

i don't know how does it feel yesterday

a lot of expectation just bring me down

more higher i take more hard it just falling

and its hurt

and of course i hate this act when i'm just pretend to the other that im fine.

no...i don't

i'm hurt..deep inside of my heart i'm hurt

too much pain that i keep by myself

if i can tell you the truth but i can't

i don't believe on you again..all of you

oh God..i don't know about your big scenario about me

it seems to much mystery around me or even inside myself

but i believe that in the end it will be the best ending that you make for me

thanks God for sending her to me even until now i still can get the meaning from You about it

she was disappear as fast as when she came

and again...

it's HURT ME

uncontrol

untuk beberapa waktu saya mengalami titik terendah dalam hidup saya

entah apa yg bisa bisa saya coba katakan, tapi sepertinya kata saja tidak akan cukup mampu mendeskripsikannya

banyak hal yg menjejali pikiran saya

ntah apa itu dan dari mana asalnya saya jg tidak tahu

semakin lama semakin menggerogoti otak alam bawah sadar saya dan mulai mempengaruhi saya secara tidak lagnsung

SAYA SAKIT!!

the way she talked to me

when we talked

everything seems so unclear from my point of view

its just depend how we try to describe it

because we talk with wordless inside

my imagine just trying hard to think what the meaning from what she talked to

it looks like very hard for her to face this situation

and the effect soon or earlier will came to me

i don't want to take a risk

GOD, help her with this situation

don't let her broke

i know im useless right now

but i'll try my best to help her to

i still believe in YOU..

s.o.s

saya kehilangan arah lagi

segala macam petunjuk arah rusak

juru kemudi pun telah mati

entah untuk kesekian kalinya terdampar

tolong saya yang hilang ini!!

bantu saya..

saya bersungguh-sungguh..

its all about you!!

saya adalah apa yang anda persepsikan,
terserah apa saja yang anda mau sisipkan di hati saudara tentang saya,
tak kan saya gubris...
itu semua adalah bentuk kebebasan anda sebagai manusia yang berhak menilai orang entah darimana caranya...

saya hanya ucapkan selamat mempersepsikan saya!!

"A Promise From The Past"

nothing even real when i see the fact..
everything seems like flash..it came and gone very fast..
until i know it hurt my eyes..
i just have promise to myself that i don't care
i don't want to distract myself again by your stare
and i have hang up my gun upon you
nothing will i ask again about you
nothing left
that i know is just you and someone that u beloved to..
love him just like i love you!!

KI dan TA

sudah lebih dari 1tahun berjalan, dan ini tahun ke dua jika dihitung..
kata-kata dalam bayang yang selalu menjadi angan-angan kini benar benar menjadi angan-angan..
hilang..tidak! belum hilang..masih ada sedikit tersisa..
menyisakan sedikit angan..lalu hilang..aku telah berusaha dengan sangat untuk menghilangkannya..
aku buang ke hutan, aku tenggelamkan ke dasar lautan terdalam, aku bakar ke nyala api, aku timbun dengan sampah tanah..
hanya supaya hilang..

dengan alasan bahwa selama ini ternyata aku tidak bisa membaca dengan jelas apa yang ada..
yang ada menempel padanya. aku telah salah membaca *berulang kali ku perbaiki cara membacaku bahkan meminta bantuan untuk membenarkan posisi kacamataku.. namun tetap saja..
tulisannya tidak berubah malah semakin jelas..

karena yang kau bawa itu tidak sama dan tidak mampu untuk merekatkan kata..
aku dan kamu..jelas tidak sama..tidak mampu bersatu..
coba saja baca jika disatukan pasti rancu AKUKAMU..aneh dan tidak bermakna..
bahkan jika dibolak balik dan diulang-ulang terus menerus..

"AKUKAMU KAMUAKU AKUKAMU KAMUAKU AKUKAMU KAMUAKUAKUKAMU KAMUAKU....!!!"

tidak bisa dipaksa kaaan!
karena yang dibutuhkan sekarang hanya 2 buah kata kecil saja namun mampu merubah semuanya..
AKU hanya membutuhkan kata "TA", karena yang kubawa adalah kata "KI"..
dan sepertinya itu yang tidak ada di KAMU..
tidak mampu hanya mengandalkan kata AKU dan KAMU..
karena makna sesungguhnya adalah pada kata KITA!!!